Staredown at Cold Creek

IMG_6447I left you ten thousand years ago
yet here you are
staring back at me in broad daylight
broad as a mountain meadow, a Magellan cloud

asking things of me
which I’m not prepared to answer

have you been stalking me?

a wry, smile gives me a hint
some things never change
but your face betrays a longing
but that’s not your way
or is it?

I’m on to you
it wouldn’t kill you
to tell let them know
what you truly desire

But what do I know?
I can barely track a 🦌
let alone the secret footprints
written across the face of Maya

For now, I dip my feet in the cold creek
feeling the ancient afternoon on my cheek
flashing my own smile
from this big rock,
for whom the trees move so quickly

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Diaphanous Thread

IMG_5848sometimes it’s only when
you take a walk with death
that you discover
that sacred diaphanous thread
connecting
your caked mud feet
and the golden sun

the only map you need

And looking back to survey
the territory
with its obsidian shards
and dusty
evidence of a battle
now clearly seen
with the eyes of an eagle
and the heart of a mountain
you realize the thread
is you
and has always been there

Tender Beauty of the Breakdown

IMG_4895The sacred mountain is calling

‘Tap, tap,’
the bell beneath the breastbone beckons:

“Come, be naked and empty
under the big hard sun
stretching horizon to horizon
of your true home.

Dive deep into the Great Inyo Sea
into the mariana trench
of your unadorned self.

Crack
like scorched soil
ready to receive

Die to all the worlds
to which you don’t belong,
leaving them to drift in the sage wind
of the high desert
as offerings to the land.

Cherish the tender beauty of the breakdown
the sweet beauty of the rebirth.”

Sea of Voices

img_2216we swim in a sea of voices

some we may claim our own
but most speak to us
uninvited

Pretender voices
crash like wave upon curling contrived wave
upon our shore

their steady rhythm
drums us into
a consensus trance

threatens to bury
the siren song of our sandcastle heart
throbbing to be heard

should it wash away our fortress
well, this is the nature of castles and sand
once a rock, once a distant mountain,
once carried by a river wise enough to meander
towards the sea

so we retreat to the seacave in solitude:
a mere temporary respite.

but the tide draws near
the waves crash in
unrelentingly

The sea of voices
roll along
like so much wet traffic
racing unaware
of the delightful calm below

there’s no way to halt the thundering waves

but we can grow our sea lungs
and dive down deeper

league by league
settle into
the soul-tide
quiet depths of true voice

silent and still and slow
in our hidden
mariana trench
from which,
should we bend
the ear of our heart closely,
the echoes of our sublime bass notes
spring

resonating through
all our fibers

Further down
is a mystery
where no one goes

yet from which all emerge

quieter and quieter yet
it is the deepest voice
and unknown

perhaps it one voice
perhaps it is none at all
some in and out breathe
of Being

not to be conceived
only to be felt

no, let us not drown in the sea of voices

rather, grow our ocean ears
to listen for
reverberations from the trench
from whatever edifices
we find ourselves in

drown out the superficial waves above

rather than be battered
on the shores,
risk ourselves
in deep waters

Surfing the Serpent

rainbow splashBecause it’s National Serpent Day, it seems like an appropriate time to share some things that have been going on for me over the last few months. I want to share because it is the major process in my life right now and because lots of other people are going through ‘non-normative’ experiences and perceive things differently. It can feel isolating to think you’re the only one.

I’ve been going through what I am calling energy awakenings or movements over the last few months. In lieu of another framework to understand it, I have taken it to be kundalini awakening. It is an Indian yogic concept, but the underlying idea is found in various cultures, and is often symbolized/imaged as a coiled serpent at the base of the spine that rises through the body towards the skull. I don’t pretend to be able to capture my experience in words, but I’ll try to give a glimpse.

Some of you already know that I see purple, especially when with certain people. They are flashes of bright light that seem to emerge when I have a certain energy and/or have a certain vibe (love? care?) with another person. And this can be with eyes open or closed, day or night. I had that experience previously with 2-3 people in years past. Then two summers ago it was magnified, and even the person I was with began to also see purple (and still does). It progressed significantly, until it just became a regular part of my everyday life, unless I was depressed and disconnected. Now I see a variety of colors, the current default being bright pink/fuschia and bright light green and blue. Not all the time, but often. And frequently associated with where energy is focused in my body. So for example, when my heart is full and open, I see a lot of pink and green overlapping each other.

Finally, I now increasingly see a full rainbow: bright and amazing and in a variety of patterns and images and in ways that are not really reducible to two or three dimensions. Not gonna lie, it’s pretty spectacular! Once, when a person was caressing me, it was like they were painting me with a rainbow paintbrush. Another time, I saw a xylophone-type instrument with bright rainbow keys. And other times, I see it as the energy centers in the body all at once.

But the colors are the least of it. Or I should say, they are merely a visual concomitant of other events that are occurring.

My ‘symptoms’ began in May, with seeing dancing cords of light in three colors emanating from my heart, and more troubling experiences that at the time I thought were mere anxiety, like spontaneously sweating and shooting sensations in my legs. Then purple was resurrected after a hiatus of more than half a year. It picked up earnest in November when I had three nights of riding giant tidal waves of energy from within that I could barely manage. It was positive, but overwhelmingly powerful and accompanied by a deep bass vibration among others things. I actually shouted out loud because I couldn’t contain and was unprepared for it.

It feels like I am undergoing a transformation, an interior operation on my body and psyche. Or like a purification, a remaking, an infusion. But it’s not linear and it’s unpredictable. I’m learning a lot but often haven’t been able to keep pace. The ‘symptoms’ seem to be more frequent and I can feel it working almost all the time now.

It’s alternatively interesting, exhilarating, joyful, pleasant, peaceful, painful, sad, overwhelming, and confusing.

I have sometimes been anxious about what is happening or what is next on the menu. It’s like simultaneously I’m experiencing emotional triggering events that seem regressive and also deeply intuitive experiences that are evolutionary and new perceptions and energy extremes as well as energy balancing.

Once I stopped resisting, things became smoother. That’s the key: Trust the process.

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” -Rumi

Among my ‘symptoms’: vibrating, tingling, shooting pains, itching from within, sounds, buzzing, a voice, colors and patterns and alternate perceptions, pressures, the taste of sweet nectar in the center of my spine, chest pains, specific kind of headaches, inner thuds and clicks, muscle soreness, muscle spasms, fluctuation in sexual desires and eating, sensitivity to sound/energy (more so than usual), cold head/hot head, a change of my desire for alcohol (can’t really drink it now), gas, sweating, and rocking. I’ve had a couple experiences of feeling a merging of energies with other people, experiencing their terror and joy intensely from the inside.

I read this on a site that talked about signs and symptoms:

“Until you adjust and integrate the new higher vibrational energies, you may feel as if in a pressure cooker – nervous, weighted down, shaken up and stressed out. The purpose of these higher energies is to accelerate your healing by bringing up old karmic patterns, negative behaviors, and faulty belief systems (etc.) up to the surface to be looked at and released. It is an intense process, but it works.”

For the most part I am not stressed out about it, nor weighted down, except for nights or days when it is overwhelming and I feel isolated because they are not ‘normal’ experiences. Then sometimes I start to think something is wrong with me and I fear losing my faculties or something.

I don’t know what it all is or means  or even if Kundalini is the ‘right’ framework. I’d be especially interested in hearing from folks who have any similar type of experiences.

But my intuition says it is positive. I am now treating it as a sacred gift and trusting the process, even when there is physical or mental discomfort. I have been able to let go of things easier, including beliefs and perceived harms, and feel much more open and trusting and compassionate and affectionate and creative. So despite the wild movements and unpredictable phenomenon, in the end I feel more grounded.

I’m practicing ways to really listen deeply and see each thing. Then to be in congruence with the energy and make any necessary adjustments. Seem the best way to go.

Maybe that’s a metaphor for how to approach everything in life.