The Shape of Love

IMG_5389Sometimes the way love abandoned you
takes the shape of a shimmering lake
in the desert

miles from safety, miles from reason

But you must go anyway
in order to find the final tear.

In order for the final tear to fall
you must fall
further than the times before.

So you walk step by step
descending
descending dry
descending deeply

you walk hand and hand with death
your first ally

you walk tenderly
with regret and forgiveness
with love and release

You tell all of them goodbye

You keep falling
further than the times before

until you discover the lake is a mirage
and always has been

And the desert takes its due
and the sun is not your ally

The ways love abandoned you
comes in the shape of a parched throat
and parched thoughts

but the truth wants to form a syllable
inside you
and it whispers your name

and you know now:
You abandoned yourself

And it hurts.

Everything.

Everything is on fire.

You are so thirsty.

The fire says, die here or climb.

It is not a koan. Die here or climb.

If you abandon yourself now
you abandon everybody you claim to love

You can’t love
without taking yourself
into the big heart

So you begin.

Your body moves up the mountain
and there’s nothing pulling you up
except one thought—
you have too much love to give
to lie down here forever
under the big hard sun

The way love finds you
comes in the shape of hot heart rocks
the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen
that appear as you climb your way out
hand over fist
over hand over fist
claiming your life with everything
that still is alive in you

They are screaming your name
with a strength beyond muscle

and finally
you reach the rim of the world

the desert and the mountain
and the heart of the world
have tattooed the shape of love
in you

and you know now you will never
abandon yourself again

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Journey Day Prayer

IMG_0936I open all my ears
and hear the forgotten things.

Seeing the spectrum of the rainbow,
I know the landscape from deep red to magenta.
And teach them how to see
I feel the texture of the spectrum of loves.

The contours and rhythms unfold clearly.
No less the sound than light.
No less the love, than both, I trust the whole.
I see the gossamer threads connecting.

The raptor in me opens his eyes.
The worm in me digs and feeds the roots.
The tree in me whispers slow green and golden syllables.
The nest in the limb, the egg in the nest, the bird in the egg, the pulse in the bird.
The heart at the heart brings them together.

I see the shining shadows, beautiful sacred wounds.
I see the hooks with compassion, both my own and others.
Like a man walking from dawn to noon, I eat the long shadow into myself.
The wind is not silent
and I am the river for what is wanting to be created through me.

I settle into the notes that are humming
or pitch my perfect harmony, expanding new measures
with the momentum of their own unfolding.

I know who I am.
When asked for the single word, I said:
I remember.

I return with medicine for the people and the earth.
Gratitude

Your Darkness is Shining

IMG_6903I. soil

in humble black gold
like downtrodden lifting all
seeds dreaming green
sleep like sparks
in the womb of the dark

II. sky

in the longest night
when tulips aren’t even on the tip of a dream
cold creeps towards the center
of a hibernating winter heart
where a lowly sun is born
whispering secrets

III. silhouette

in the stretched pregnant hour
before the dance of the day
this hushed unrushed
unseen hanging chill
clings like damp cloak
skin tight on fog face hymn of owl
while stars sing soliloquies

IV. soul

in pitch black
sacred wound
that sharp deep ancient ache
your darkness shines
like gorgeous throbbing face
–a lighthouse calling
you to the shoreline
of homecoming

 

Sucking Soggy Marsh

Wound is muddy,
sucking soggy marsh
draining down

Pain is sharp, clear like glass
pointing
bright as a purple thistle

arriving like an ancient letter
you forgot you sent yourself, saying:

Scrape the mud off your feet
look through the glass
walk your wound into pain
pain into bloom
bloom into puff — blow away on the wind
the seeds of the new
love

In the Cave Behind the Waterfall (Rainbow Home #3)

creekIn the last few days, I’ve had quite a few adventures up in the forest above the village. Here’s an abridged version to give you taste of what has happened.

I have caught several glimpses of the Fire Dragon. A tail here. Smoke there. Tip of a wing there. All usually through thick brush or the canopy of trees. Never did I see his full form, but at least I knew it wasn’t just my imagination.

I realized, though, that I had misinterpreted the 7th-born Rabbit’s message. I thought that it meant the Fire Dragon only appears when it is silent. In fact, it appears frequently in the presence of noise, even when people are around. But to ENCOUNTER the Fire Dragon in its true form, I would need to find its cave, which he said was behind a waterfall. And if I did found it, I would have to be absolutely quiet.

I’ve walked the entire length of Redwood Creek, from the beginning on the west slope of the ridge down and southward until it empties into Upper San Leandro Reservoir. Along the way I met an owl, a heron, a snake, a little lizard with a dragonfly in its mouth, beautiful horsetail ferns, the leg bone of some animal, and the largest madrone tree I’ve ever seen. So sexy.

You know what they say, if you’re not turned on by a madrone, you can’t be turned on by anything.

But nowhere did I see a cave of any kind. Saw a few hollows along the banks of the creek, but no cave, let alone one big enough for some dragon the size of an elephant. Am I in the right place? Maybe 7th-Born meant some other place? Afterall, a dragon can cover territories much larger than this park, as large as it is.

This morning I sauntered once again along Redwood Creek. Lo and behold I encountered 14 more rabbits and 6 little yellow golden birds. I’ve never seen yellow birds here before, so I took it as a sign. Maybe I should go to the Great Sea, as 7th-Born Bunny recommended. Whether I would find the HeartSeer or not, or find some clue to how to enter the depths of the water and recover the Obsidian Key on the Golden Ring, I had no idea.

With that I resolved to at least try. But in order to do that I felt I had to find the Dragon and to keep looking for its cave.

I have been learning from the redwoods that it is in silence that i can hear the true things.

I sat down next to a grandmother circle of redwoods and closed my eyes. For what seemed like hours, I settled into the ancient dialect of the forest. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw a yellow bird hovering directly in front of me. A seventh?! That can’t be a coincidence.

Out of curiosity I stood up and began to follow it.

From branch to branch it flitted forward, deeper into the forest. Clearly aware I was following it, it waited each time so I could catch up.

I heard it before I saw it: water. Hopping up on a large moss-covered boulder, I saw a water fall, 15 or so feet, tumbling down from a tributary of Redwood Creek, into a wide and deep pool formed by sandstone on all sides.

Aha! So it IS here!

The yellow bird fluttered up beside the falls and perched on a bay laurel branch that extended just to the edge of the water.

With my adrenaline pumping, I leaped from one boulder to the other up the sides, grabbing fists of rock and gnarled root and branches, until I was almost to the top. Seeing a slight ledge led behind the falls, I took off my daypack, took out my headlamp and knife, and proceded to inch along. The force of the water was fierce, and I grabbed on tight to whatever I could feel, as I couldn’t see, having to keep my eyes closed from the water pressure.

Soon I was completely soaked, but instead of a solid cliff, my hands felt emptiness, so with a trust in leaping, I threw myself into the cavity and found myself in the dimly-lit entrance to a cave.

“Well, I’m here. Nothing to do but keep going,” I thought to myself, making sure I was as quiet as possible.

I had only a knife for protection. But what could a knife possibly do to the mail-plated skin (I’m assuming) of a dragon? Neverless, I resolved to keep my knife.

I entered the cave. Taking a few steps, and turning a corner, what remained of the daylight world beyond the waterfall began to disapear. I pressed the button on my headlamp.

Nothing. Now, of all times, the batteries are dead!

It’s too dark. And I hear what sounds like low roar, echoing from deep within the mountain. Only a fool what go into a cave without a light!

I lost my nerve and rushed out towards the water. In the process, I hit my hand on a jutting rock, knocking my knife out of my hands, hearing it drop with a thud on the cave floor.

So much for silence.

What am I doing?! I have no idea what kind of creature this is. I’m only looking for this damn dragon because I was told by a woman I didn’t even know that I needed to ride it to the edge of Always to find my Rainbow Home. Under the full moon of all things.

But the full moon is past now, come and gone without incident. Or, according to 7th-Born Rabbit, I have to visit HeartSeer by the Great Sea to recover the Obsidian Key. Either way, I have no mode of transportation.

How am I to fly to the Great Sea, let alone to the edge of Always? I could walk instead, like I do. I don’t mind Walking. But How far is it?

Could I hitchhike? Steal a horse? LYFT it? As an absolute last resort, I could take Greyhound.

None of those sounded very appealing. Some, rather far-fetched.

No, it must be this way or no way. I’ve done the easy thing before. No, it’s time for the neccessary thing. 7th-Born had said it will either melt me or I will melt it.

I steel myself, take a deep breath, and head back in to the cave.

Without weapon. Without light. Unadorned and vulnerable and scared out of my mind. The time has come.

As I turn the first corner into darkness, I hear that awful sound again. sounds less like a roar than a combination of a snore and groan. Perhaps it is sleeping. Could I be so lucky?

It’s pitch black. I turn another corner, with only my hands on the cold, clammy cave walls to guide me. For all I know, I could be walking into a bottomless abyss, a nest of brown recluses, or get irretrievably lost. No one would ever find me! My pack would be found someday by intrepid explores. Perhaps.

But what are those risks in comparison with facing a Fire Dragon! I can’t believe I just said that. Perhaps this is all a wild goose chase. Or wild dragon chase, as it were.

Then, suddenly two glowing red-orange embers the size of volleyballs appear before me.

Eyes!

I’m flooded simultaneously with as much awe as fear, as much fascination as pure dread.

It’s here! I’m here! I froze.

The eyes cast an eerie flicker across the walls of the cave, causing shadows to dance.

I see that the narrow cave tunnel had opened up into a stone chamber the size of a cabin.

And then I realize, what I hear is not a roar or a snore, but a cry. A dragon cry. It is wounded.

From the red-orange ember-eye light reflecting off the walls, I see the source of the pain: A dagger pierced it, just below where the wing attaches to its torso.

Suddenly, whatever fear I had disappears.

Now what? I’m here. I made it. I’m not torn to pieces. I’m not melted. Yet.

I could do nothing but just be there with it in its pain.

I slowly reached my hand out and lay it near the wound.

I whisper in its ear.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

As powerful as it was, as big as it was, it was apparent that it could not reach the area where the dagger went in with its talons nor its mouth.

I knew that I had to pull the dagger out.

I grabbed the black ornate handle with both hands.

“This is going to hurt. I’m here to help.”

A pulled back as hard as I could and with a grunt and one full action, yanked the dagger out.

The dragon jumped and hissed in burnt steel agony. Fire and smoke filled the chamber,

The heat seemed to sear my flesh. I cowered in the corner, but couldn’t escape it and began to choke on the smoke filling my lungs.

Then, I had the idea: The pool at the base of the cave.

Before I could think about it too much, I yelled, “Follow me!!” And began running out.

I headed back towards the entrance, this time with the aid of the glow of dragon eyes lighting the way close behind me.

It was following me. I saw my knife on the floor from earlier. I quickly bent down to pick it up and kept running. Taking a big gulp of hot air, I ran and jumped straight through the back of the falls. In a split second, I plunged directly in the pool below, knife in one hand, dagger in the other.

When I came up for air and was relieved to find that I still had skin. The cool water felt invigorating. And the cool air was a welcome relief in my lungs. I looked back up, and saw just a long dragon head sticking out through the waterfall. Almost comical if it wasn’t so freaking bizarre.

I encouraged it: “Jump!”

“Dragons don’t go in water!” It spoke, in a language I didn’t know but somehow understood.

“Well, grown ass human beings don’t hunt fire dragons!” I screamed back.

“Jump in!”

Evidently convincing, the remainder of his giant body emerged through the falls, and not without grace for such an unwieldly large body, landed in the pool with an explosion of water.

It sent me reeling, and forced me back below the water for longer than even my jump had. When I came up, rather than seeing a dragon in the pool beside me, I saw a little boy. Brown hair with bright brown eyes.

“Thank you for coming,” he said with a smile, seemingly unaware of what just happened.

You can imagine the trouble I had finding words in response.

“And for pulling the dagger out,” he said.

Still stunned at what had happened in the previous hour, I said nothing. My face no doubt revealed my shock.

“And for not trying to kill me with that knife of yours.”

“No problem?” I managed.

With that, the boy, who I estimated to be about 12 or 13 years old, began diving and splashing and playing.

“Hey!” I yelled. I had too many questions, which I rattled off, one falling on top of the other. “Who are you? What happened to the dragon? Who stabbed you? How long have you had that sticking in you? What is going on?!”

He just laughed and began splashing me.

“A story for the sky, perhaps?”

“What?” My eyes must have widened even more than they already had.

In an instant the boy transformed back into a dragon, flapped his enormous translucent wings, picked me up in its talons, and took to flight.

To the Great Sea it is then.

 

Redwood Tears

IMG_4293Grandmother Tree:

Come into my hollow
my sacred redwood nook
Cradle in my dears
let’s have a little look

Rest your heart against my skin
I’ll hold you while you weep
Tell me about your sacred wounds
your stories I will keep

Let’s cry some redwood tears together
here, have some in your lap
lets hold each other for a moment
join our tears with sap

I’ve had some big ideas
I’ve been burned as well
Do you think I got this tall
by dwelling within my shell?

They tried to slap me down
they tried to petrify
I just kept rooting downwards
and reaching towards the sky

consult your forest council
consult your inner light
rise rooted like the earth
grow to your true height

so my beastie sisters
put on your fiercest horns
paint on your charred war paint
and cry your wild roar