When I sit in the evening light
There are no cakes or candles
But a round pile of blueberries
From the two bushes that survived the winter
Bless the center of the cedar table
We made together at the dawn of our path
The size of marbles!
You would say
Now, looking out the stone-framed window
From my bed that faces the widening sea
My blood runs bright with memories
Of all the journeys
It’s the ones I didn’t take that weigh
Heavy upon me and clot me up
More difficult than the ones
Where I came out the other side
I wish I would have greeted the dawn more
And jumped in the water
Without thought of who would see
My ordinary naked body
I didn’t call my folks
Or tell my friends I loved them enough
To the women – did I thank you enough?
A hundred times I thank you
This word enough—how it changes
Its shape on my lips through the years
With each falling leaf I thank you
That we could help each other grow
The better rings of our trees; I’m sorry—
Our wounds sometimes caused more pain
I hope you had rich, colorful lives
That love hugged you in the final moments
Sometimes I hurt you
Sometimes I hurt myself
Sometimes I didn’t know how to connect
Or find the words
I built this room with my own hands
With stones from the creek
That we used to dip our feet in
Through all the seasons
Meeting months of sunsets
With sweat and peace and the tenderness
But now, I no longer need this room
So I give it to you and you
And hope you enjoy
It as much as I have
If my legs were alive,
I’d jump like my 8-year old self
In a pile of leaves
The colors of an autumn blast
Yes, I still dream of running
But I’m content with the dream I authored
Not unproud
Yet humbled
Still, the questions pour through me:
Did I explore the sparks?
Did I follow my curiosity
and lean into all the fears?
Did I share my gifts
and open more than I closed?
And if my eyes weren’t now masked like midnight
I’d look into the ox daisy of your eyes
I’d study the tiny hairs on your arm
How the light makes of them a forest
Delicate in the slant of the dipping sun
One last time
And not think of the words pomegranate
Or violet or any far-flung hue
But touch is still my finest tool
So place your long-loved hand in mine
Let us embrace
And feel the final fading
Of the warmth
Behind the darkening waves