Surfing the Serpent

rainbow splashBecause it’s National Serpent Day, it seems like an appropriate time to share some things that have been going on for me over the last few months. I want to share because it is the major process in my life right now and because lots of other people are going through ‘non-normative’ experiences and perceive things differently. It can feel isolating to think you’re the only one.

I’ve been going through what I am calling energy awakenings or movements over the last few months. In lieu of another framework to understand it, I have taken it to be kundalini awakening. It is an Indian yogic concept, but the underlying idea is found in various cultures, and is often symbolized/imaged as a coiled serpent at the base of the spine that rises through the body towards the skull. I don’t pretend to be able to capture my experience in words, but I’ll try to give a glimpse.

Some of you already know that I see purple, especially when with certain people. They are flashes of bright light that seem to emerge when I have a certain energy and/or have a certain vibe (love? care?) with another person. And this can be with eyes open or closed, day or night. I had that experience previously with 2-3 people in years past. Then two summers ago it was magnified, and even the person I was with began to also see purple (and still does). It progressed significantly, until it just became a regular part of my everyday life, unless I was depressed and disconnected. Now I see a variety of colors, the current default being bright pink/fuschia and bright light green and blue. Not all the time, but often. And frequently associated with where energy is focused in my body. So for example, when my heart is full and open, I see a lot of pink and green overlapping each other.

Finally, I now increasingly see a full rainbow: bright and amazing and in a variety of patterns and images and in ways that are not really reducible to two or three dimensions. Not gonna lie, it’s pretty spectacular! Once, when a person was caressing me, it was like they were painting me with a rainbow paintbrush. Another time, I saw a xylophone-type instrument with bright rainbow keys. And other times, I see it as the energy centers in the body all at once.

But the colors are the least of it. Or I should say, they are merely a visual concomitant of other events that are occurring.

My ‘symptoms’ began in May, with seeing dancing cords of light in three colors emanating from my heart, and more troubling experiences that at the time I thought were mere anxiety, like spontaneously sweating and shooting sensations in my legs. Then purple was resurrected after a hiatus of more than half a year. It picked up earnest in November when I had three nights of riding giant tidal waves of energy from within that I could barely manage. It was positive, but overwhelmingly powerful and accompanied by a deep bass vibration among others things. I actually shouted out loud because I couldn’t contain and was unprepared for it.

It feels like I am undergoing a transformation, an interior operation on my body and psyche. Or like a purification, a remaking, an infusion. But it’s not linear and it’s unpredictable. I’m learning a lot but often haven’t been able to keep pace. The ‘symptoms’ seem to be more frequent and I can feel it working almost all the time now.

It’s alternatively interesting, exhilarating, joyful, pleasant, peaceful, painful, sad, overwhelming, and confusing.

I have sometimes been anxious about what is happening or what is next on the menu. It’s like simultaneously I’m experiencing emotional triggering events that seem regressive and also deeply intuitive experiences that are evolutionary and new perceptions and energy extremes as well as energy balancing.

Once I stopped resisting, things became smoother. That’s the key: Trust the process.

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” -Rumi

Among my ‘symptoms’: vibrating, tingling, shooting pains, itching from within, sounds, buzzing, a voice, colors and patterns and alternate perceptions, pressures, the taste of sweet nectar in the center of my spine, chest pains, specific kind of headaches, inner thuds and clicks, muscle soreness, muscle spasms, fluctuation in sexual desires and eating, sensitivity to sound/energy (more so than usual), cold head/hot head, a change of my desire for alcohol (can’t really drink it now), gas, sweating, and rocking. I’ve had a couple experiences of feeling a merging of energies with other people, experiencing their terror and joy intensely from the inside.

I read this on a site that talked about signs and symptoms:

“Until you adjust and integrate the new higher vibrational energies, you may feel as if in a pressure cooker – nervous, weighted down, shaken up and stressed out. The purpose of these higher energies is to accelerate your healing by bringing up old karmic patterns, negative behaviors, and faulty belief systems (etc.) up to the surface to be looked at and released. It is an intense process, but it works.”

For the most part I am not stressed out about it, nor weighted down, except for nights or days when it is overwhelming and I feel isolated because they are not ‘normal’ experiences. Then sometimes I start to think something is wrong with me and I fear losing my faculties or something.

I don’t know what it all is or means  or even if Kundalini is the ‘right’ framework. I’d be especially interested in hearing from folks who have any similar type of experiences.

But my intuition says it is positive. I am now treating it as a sacred gift and trusting the process, even when there is physical or mental discomfort. I have been able to let go of things easier, including beliefs and perceived harms, and feel much more open and trusting and compassionate and affectionate and creative. So despite the wild movements and unpredictable phenomenon, in the end I feel more grounded.

I’m practicing ways to really listen deeply and see each thing. Then to be in congruence with the energy and make any necessary adjustments. Seem the best way to go.

Maybe that’s a metaphor for how to approach everything in life.

A Country Lane Welcomes Me

Between golden-brown stalks

in their final hour

and boisterous blooms of baby’s breath

The color of clouds,

A sweeping silence came upon me.

 

It’s strange how full the sound of silence is,

Like the autumn maple

How deep & broad like the sea,

How patient and warm

I suppose they all share the primordial whisper

Passed on seed by seed,

Year by year,

That those with ears within

Delicate enough

can hear:

“Be and Be welcome”

Maximize killing capacity

“…and this is where selection took place…” she said,

“…those fit and those not fit…”

“…families torn apart…”

shake your head, uh-uh

“men from women, children from mothers, old from young…”

“…and this is the wall where they shot political prisoners…”

you shake your head, resist

“…and this is where they took roll call…”

“…standing for hours in the Polish winter…”

 shake your head, grimace, shake your head, resist…

“…and this is where some were hanged…”

furl your eyebrows…

“…and these are the suitcases…you can see they put their birthdates on them…they were made to think they would get them back…you can see this one belonged to a 7 year old girl…”

choke it back…

“…and these are the eyeglasses…”

twist your heart…

“..and this is where they extracted the gold from the teeth…”

“…and this is the hair of the women and these are the clothes of the children…”

no, too heavy

“…and this is where the commandant lived happily with his wife and children”

can this be?

“…you can see it is just meters from the crematarium”

“his job was to…”

pause

“…maximize killing capacity…”

Commodification, efficient death & destruction

“…and they scattered the cremation ashes over the fields as they fled…”

“…to erase their crimes…”

Twain’s wisdom

I swear a lot in real life. I also can be vulgar.   Sometimes that finds its way into my characters’ mouths and deeds.  Sometimes that makes some pieces unfit for certain venues.  When I think about censoring myself to please others I think of what Mark Twain wrote:  “Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very;” your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

Then again, I say more than damn.