THE TRUTH WANTS TO FORM A SYLLABLE INSIDE
(Word Count: 956)
I’m stuck down in the canyon—and the truth wants to form a syllable inside me. It whispers my real name.
And I discover: I had abandoned myself. So many times. So many years. And it hurts. Everything hurts too much. Everything is on fire.
I am too thirsty. The fire says, die here or climb. It is not a koan. Die here or climb.
I think about what I should write in my journal should they find my body. But I think—If I abandon myself now once again, I will abandon everybody I claim to love. And I can’t love without taking myself into the big heart. So I begin.
My body moves up the mountain and I find there’s nothing pulling me up except one thought—I have too much love to lie down here under the big hard sun and give up. The way love finds me comes in the shape of hot desert heart rocks that appear as I climb my way out…hand over fist over hand over fist, claiming my life with everything that is still alive in me.
They are screaming my name with a strength beyond muscle, until I finally reach the rim of the world.
The desert and the mountain and the heart of the world have tattooed the shape of love in me and I know now with a vibrating certainty: I will never abandon myself again.
For #NaNoWriMo2018, we (Katie and Ryan @wildnatureheart) are each writing our memoirs, our Wild Nature Heart stories so-to-speak, sharing a glimpse of our progress throughout November. We really believe what the organization says: the world needs your story! Everyone has a story to tell—What’s your Wild Nature Heart? We look forward to sharing this journey of vulnerability and self-discovery.
Ryan and Katie