I Dare You To Go In

img_2352I dare you to go in
says the tunnel

don’t be afraid of fear
says the tunnel

I accepted the challenge

truth is
I had no choice

I’m always going into
dark tunnels

isn’t that what they call
living?

one foot fumbling
in front of the other
feeling forward
into the frigid darkness

hands grasping walls
eyes strained
breathe tightened

taking a moment
to settle in fully
feel the
pitch black
unknowingness

where my ordinary senses
find no purchase

there’s nothing to do here
but listen

open heart
hope in part
stretched forth
into one knows not what

want to know
but can’t

and it’s okay

there’s light at the end of
the tunnel

one says to oneself

in an act of necessary
self-deception

that sometimes turns out to be true

but cannot be confirmed
until the light re-appearsimg_2362

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Domination

dismantle-brick-wallI’m one of the good ones:

I do the dishes
and elevate women’s voices
because I am a feminist

I don’t grab pussies
or force myself on women

I’m a regular enlightened modern man

Yet…

yesterday I made her care so much
about my feelings
she buried her own

the day before that
I conjured up a story,
a real whopper:

her love for others
threatened her love for me

I just couldn’t have that
so I issued edicts

The day before that
my anger (read: pain)
shut her down
though I didn’t swear once,
I swear

like a deer
she froze
in the headlights
of my sickly vile beast

then I sarcastically mumbled
my disappointment
not accepting my whisper
dripped with the same venom

my beastly mask has no ears to hear

No, I don’t catcall
or assume gender roles
or call someone a bitch

But sexism lives in me

a different species
but the same genus:

Domination

a subject as object
for me to control
because my comfort
matters above all

an exercise in power
the ultimate display
of fragility

it doesn’t define me
yet I know it circulates in me
like toxic blood
inherited from
wounds
inflicted by an oppressed culture

so, I shall pick up my hammer
and continue
chipping away at
this goddamn 40 year weight
around my heart
dismantle this ugly fort
of which I am so tired

In the old french
dismantle meant to un-fortify,
as in, to take apart a fort,
to destroy its defensive capability

but there is nothing to defend
in the first place

when I settle
into my true power and love
that I have betrayed

I am a sexist feminist
with a hammer