God Hates Fags

Everybody knows certain things about God. For example:

God is Love (sometimes); God is omnipotent; in God all things are possible;God is 1 in 3 or at least 3 in 1; God knows and hears prayers from Everybody, including Chris Matthews and even those people in the cities of Cantons in OH, KS, GA, SD, and TX; God is Spirit (except when in man-or-hurricane/tsunami form); God is a god of history (though technically outside it, yet acting in it, but not so much that he interferes with our free will, er, I mean…)

God Blesses America. Everybody knows that. Presidents tell us that all the time. But I didn’t know this, that God wanted the Rocky VI sequel to be made: “I felt as though God was moving me to do this.” (Sylvester Stallone)

God sent his only begotten son; God is a “man of war” (Exodus 15); God is male; God likes prophets who don’t eat or have sex much; God is a jealous god (Ex: 34:14) who thinks sacrifices and offerings are pretty neat, especially of chocolate, incense, booze, or Facebook during Lent—which by the way is “brutal, but valuable”(see Wall Street Journal–http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123509424821028985.html); but He just can’t beat the blood ofa good old-fashioned giraffe in a volcano for rain or whatever animal is convenient.

God hates fags

But God is also a yoga-master; God is a Goddess; God has an elephant head; God hates shrimp; God led Bush to be re-elected and to attack Iraq; God helped elect Obama; Go wants socialized health care; God blesses Guatemalan chicken bus-drivers and passengers—at least the ones that survive; God turns Sabbath-breaking Jews into despised apes (Quran 2:55-56); God blesses those who have not yet seen and still believe (church sign a couple blocks from here…really? that’s who is blessed?); “God helped Castro heal” (Hugo Chavez); God told Pat Robertson about the tsunami and that later this year “chaos will rule”; luckily, as I mentioned, God hears prayers; “God said he’s going to restrain the evil but he isn’t necessarily going to restrain it in the beginning. A lot of these things can be reversed – we just need to do a lot of praying.” God is the sun behind the clouds; God likes to be portrayed as a deer drinking pink water; Also God can be interviewed at http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com.

All of these attributes of God are pretty obvious. There’s really not much room for debate there.

But, here are 4 things you probably didn’t know about God:
1)God wants us to disavow your belief in Him because only those who don’t believe in Him will make it to heaven. God is very, very tricky that way.

2)God Blesses Me.
Before you scoff, I have evidence that God Blesses Me (not that evidence is necessary–they call it FAITH for a Reason):
a)First, how else do you explain the fact that I survived many trips around the sun and to foreign countries and am now back home without any deaths, concussions, scars, or animal diseases? (Wait, I might have to slightly revise that one, because I did get Salmonella in Mexico in December—is god punishing me or testing me? No, he is just blessing the salmonella too, so my argument still holds)
b)Second, many people have told me that God blesses me or at least they prayed for me, (Dios te bendiga!) (really? ahh, “that’s sweet! thanks! now I’m going to snort this cocaine and fuck that girl”–David Cross) I have to admit that this is a weaker reason, because it could just be that their prayer vibes directly entered my bones, red blood cells, and synapses without going to God first, but who knows?

c)Finally, ummm, there’s that feeling I have that God Blesses Me.
(remember that Friends episode with Phoebe who believes that her dead mother is in her stray cat’s body?)
C: a + b + c = GBM

3)God demands vegetarianism and economic justice.

4)Most importantly: God told me to write this and post it
Lucky for me I already I agree with all these things. It’s great having God on my side. I feel a rush already. If someone asks, “Why ….?” for any particular fact, action, value, judgment, etc., I know that God is right there, backing me up. Power, man, power!!!

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